The Slash Files
by Kay the Cricketed
Summary: (Ch. 3 up!) ... read the title. Weep for the horror of it all. Then read about David and the rabbits. And all the SLASH. And everyone's obsession with Jalil. And fish...
1. These Files Should Not Be

Everworld Slash Scenarios 

AKA: Kay Has To Much Giddy-Sugar-Time 

Disclaimer: I own them! All of them! Every single pillowcase and pixie stick and stopwatch that Jalil has EVER EVER EVER touched, it's all MIIIINE! ALL MI-- GAK! ::is dragged off by lawsuit people:: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! 

Jalil: She doesn't own anything. Especially not *my* stuff. 

Author's Notes: I blame the sugar and Duck-K's python fic. I don't know why. I just felt like it. ^__^ Please enjoy this random, meaningless blast of insanity-- none of it makes sense, I assure you. But it's slashy. Hell yeah, baby. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

File: 91038327871  
Subjects: "Everworld Characters"  
Finished May 27th, 1902  


The following documentary is a study on a group of five teenagers, each who have claimed to be stuck in a parallel universe called Everworld. Through serious analysis and testing, we have gathered together the following data files for future consideration. Please be warned that these are opinion, not proven theory, and that any grievances you find in them is not the fault of the staff. As we were only doing our solemn duty and job. 

_... I had no part in the test subject "Jalil Sherman"'s black leather. I swear._

The following files are contained: Interview copies, inkblot testing scripts, and the accounts of the following teenagers: 

David Levin 

Christopher Hitchcock 

Jalil Sherman 

April O'Neal _(... tuuurtles.) Erm, wait, no, wrong April..._

Senna Wales 

Please, again, be reminded that all content is to be studied for the further gain of science and psychology, and not as personal entertainment. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

TO BE CONTINUED... very soon. I know this is short. But I wanted to put it in a separate chapter, the next one, I mean. It should be up anyyyyyy moment. ^^;; I'm going to have fun with those now. BWAHAHHAHAAAAA. 


	2. David Levin Day One

The Slash Files 

By Kay 

Disclaimer: ... see previous chapter. ::eyes glaze over:: All miiiine... 

Author's Notes: We continue! ... heeheheeeeeee. I'm so giddy on sugar and OJ that it ain't funny. ^__^ 

Jalil: -_- Dear god... again... 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

_File: 19834729137813374--299  
_ _Subject: "David Levin"_

_(Interview begins; tape starts)_

_Dr. Magnus:_ So, David... how are you today? 

_David:_ ... 

_Dr. Magnus:_ Did you have an okay morning, David? Sleep well last night, David? Good minty fresh air, David? 

_David:_ ... you don't have to patronize me, you know. I'm perfectly aware that you don't give a damn. 

_Dr. Magnus:_ Now, that's not a nice thing to say, David. 

_David:_ Neither is asking someone if they had "good, minty fresh air". 

_Dr. Magnus:_ I was only being polite, David.. Now, David, we should get down to the focus of our session today. 

_David:_ Uh-huh. You guys have great walls. Nice and padded. You know, the barred windows are little to much, don't you think? 

_Dr. Magnus:_ We're not here to talk about interior decorating, David. David, we're here to talk about your problems with... reality. David. 

_David:_ Why the hell do you keep saying my name?! 

_(sound of hysterical crying is heard)_

_Dr. Magnus:_ That's right, let it all out, David. It's the only way to discover your inner child and the root to your insecurities, David. Oh, David, I'm so happy you're taking the first step, David, David, Dav-- 

_David:_ The only thing that I'm insecure about it your repetition of my freakin' name! Are you stupid?! It's bad enough I sound like some goddamn biblical hero, but then-- 

_Dr. Magnus: _ Do you have problems with religion, David? 

_David:_ Yeah. I'm mad God created you. (_And not hilluphampicasus._) 

_ (sounds of pen tapping)_

_Dr. Magnus:_ That wasn't very nice, David. Shall we move on? How about your hallucinations, hm, David? In Everworld, then, David? What about those? 

_ David:_ They weren't hallucinations-- they were real. Ask the others, they know it, they all know what happened! They were there when... when... dear god... 

_Dr. Magnus:_ Yes, they're giving their accounts also in the rooms next door. But we're here to talk about you, David. David only. You, David Levin. Please give me your own insight, David. 

_David:_ ... there were a lot of... shiny things... 

_Dr. Magnus: _ Mm-hmmm. 

_David:_ Rabbits and such. 

_(sound of nervous shifting)_

_David:_ I got a sword. Almost killed a pig once, but it back talked. Led some armies into war, that sort of thing... kind of stupid, really, because I didn't even get paid for it usually. What about the other heroes in wars? They always get paid. Jesus, all I got was my name pronounced badly, and some freaky-witch woman after my ass... 

_Dr. Magnus:_ ... are you referring to Miss Wales, then, David? 

_David:_ ... stupid crazy witchy-woman... smoking weirdo, I swear. She thinks she can do magic. Magic! Can you believe it?! 

_(rabid giggling is heard)_

_David:_ Stupid oaf. She had one to many down the hatchet, ya know? One second she's eating some suspicious looking white thing on the ground, the next... poof! La la land. She claims she's a witch that everyone's chasing, and that she has me under a love spell. How messed up is that? We were only chased because, well... Christopher stole that stupid "Love Telegram" Loki had in his castle... and Jalil was... well, Jalil. 

_(muttering)_

_David:_ ... to sexy for his own good... 

_Dr. Magnus:_ Tell me more about what you're feeling, David. 

_David:_ I don't know what Senna ate, but it messed her up good. Kept saying I was her knight in shining armor and stuff. Crazy man. She kept throwing herself at dragons and crocodiles, hoping I'd save her... 

_(embarrassed cough)_

_David:_ Couldn't let the poor things die. I mean, whatever she was smoking obviously ruined her blood and all. Sides... the flirting she did, it wasn't cool. Jalil was right there and all. He didn't like that, oh boy, he did not. Man, I swear, he hated her soooo bad by the end of the first day. Kept giving her these dark, murderous looks every time she made a move towards me or Christopher. 

_Dr. Magnus:_ Let's talk about this, David. Was Jalil jealous, David? 

_David:_ F---- yeah. He's been going with Christopher forever now. And well... I was the hero of the expedition, you know... got to make certain rules... 

_ (snickering)_

_David:_ I think the only reason Senna didn't destroy or rape me outright was because she knew Jalil would kill her. He's a possessive little thing, y'know. 

_Dr. Magnus:_ ... 

_David: _ Are we done yet? I promised I'd teach April to play Risk. I'm a General over there, you know. Big time stuff. Kicking alien ass and all. 

_Dr. Magnus: _ Alright, we'll meet again tomorrow... 

_David:_ I will hold the countries of the world in my hand! Mwahahahaha-- 

_(tape recorder shuts off; silence)_

_End of File_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

... erm. I take no blame. It'll get funnier, I promise. And no insult is meant to psychiatrists. ;) 

::glomps:: Review and I'll do something special for you~. Like... like... uh... damn. Okay, so I won't. Crud. 

... I'll hug you! BWAHAHAHAA! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


	3. Christopher Hitchcock Day One

_File: 289371908274938--397_

_Subject: "Christopher Hitchcock"_

_(Interview begins; tape starts)_

_Dr. Yaona:_ Good afternoon, Mr. Hitchcock. How are you feeling today? 

_Christopher:_ ... how would you feel if you were in sex withdrawl?! 

_(long, drawn out pause)_

_Dr. Yaona: _ Excuse me? 

_Christopher:_ Goddamn it, I've been stuck in that tiny cell of yours for a day or two now! I NEED _SEX_. I need sex _NOW_. And some television. God, how do you people live without _'Friends'_? Or _'Will and Grace'_? It's like some goddamn punishment-- is this about the time I told Senna that we all thought she bleached her hair?! I swear. If it is-- 

_Dr. Yaona: _ I assure you, this isn't a punishment, Mr. Hitchcock. You're here because we're concerned about the hallucinations you've had lately. The ones about-- 

_Christopher:_ Everworld is not a hallucination. Just a parallel world. I thought I went through this with the last therapist? It's like the Mickey Mouse analogy I did that one time, with the balloon and puking-- 

_Dr. Yaona:_ Yes, we have that in our records. 

_Christopher:_ --and the submarine and all. I mean, what else do you want to know? 

_Dr. Yaona:_ Well, for starters, Mr. Hitchcock... how can you explain all of these to be true? According to the records, you claim every inhabitant of Everworld spoke English. 

_Christopher:_ Actually, I think that might have been a Douglas Adams thing. You know, with the fish thing you stick in your ear? And understand any language? 

_Dr. Yaona:_ ... you stuck a fish in your ear? _(Was it trout?)_

_Christopher:_ Well, not really. I mean, I must have. I don't remember doing it, but then again, Jalil says we made out on Galahad's kitchen table, and I don't remember that either. 

_Dr. Yaona:_ I... see. 

_Christopher:_ On the other hand, maybe we all heard English because it was a convenient plot hole. 

_(sound of feet tapping on floor)_

_Christopher:_ ... yeeeeah. A plot hole. Like in _Alice in Wonderland_. Only without white rabbits. 

_Dr. Yaona:_ Mr. David Levin mentioned rabbits in his own interviews-- are you sure you don't recall any? 

_Christopher:_ Um. Not really. Lots of goat people, though. Satyrs or whatever. Sounds like a car name. Randy jerks, those guys, never wanna meet 'em in a dark alley... 

_Dr. Yaona:_ Mm-hmm. Now, ah, Mr. Hitchcock... how do you explain the so called aliens in your collected fantasy world? It seems highly strange to me-- 

_Christopher:_ Waitasec, _our collected fantasy world_? That's just so, so mean and untrue. Everworld was real. _REAL_. Like, real real. I mean, jesus, I even have the scratch marks on my back to prove it! 

_Dr. Yaona:_ Scratch marks? 

_(gleeful snickering)_

_Christopher: _ Ah, Jalil likes it rough. 

_(long pause)_

_Dr. Yaona:_ ... how so? 

_(whispering)_

_Christopher:_ ... well, you should have seen the way his eyes lit up when I told him Galahad was letting us use his XXX-rated "fun room". And the time with the Vikings, big time bondage. And he loves spontaneous things, like while we were in Athena's waiting room... 

_Dr. Yaona:_ ... well?! Go on! 

_Christopher:_ Let's just say we either scared the poor secretary guy to death-- or made him want to join in. And that time we were all stuck in the diving bell, coming up in the ocean? 

_Dr. Yaona:_ Yes? 

_Christopher:_ Mass orgy. 

_Dr. Yaona:_ ... impressive. 

_Christopher:_ Mm-hmm. Best time of my life, I tell you. Except poor Jalil kept getting jealous everytime we met up with some female who pawed over me and David... I mean, Etain, Senna, Hel, he was about to go kamikaze on their asses. 

_Dr. Yaona:_ I take it Mr. Sherman has some possession issues? 

_Christopher:_ Just watch. Touch his favourite stuffed kitty-cat and he'll rip your guts out. 

_Dr. Yaona:_ Hmmm. 

_(sound of scribbling)_

_Christopher:_ It's name is Precious. 

_Dr. Yaona:_ Well, I see then. I must say, this is very helpful, Mr. Hitchcock. While Mr. Levin has been cooperative, Jalil has only said a total of three words to our staff, in the entire time he's been here. 

_Christopher:_ ... which are? 

_(sound of paper rustling)_

_Dr. Yaona:_ Hmm... let's see. Ah yes. Quote, "I hate you." 

_Christopher:_ Yup, that's my baby. Just watch out, he's fiesty when he doesn't get what he wants. If you want anything out of him, threaten to make him watch _The Matrix_. He _hates_ that movie. With a passion. 

_Dr. Yaona:_ Hmm... thank you for that useful piece of information, Mr. Hitchcock. Anything else? 

_(low, drawn out sigh)_

_Christopher:_ Weeeell... he looks like heaven in black leather. 

_Dr. Yaona:_ We'll take note of that. Thank you for your cooperation. 

_Christopher:_ Yeah, but do I get anything in return? I mean, the least you could do is get me some magazines. Something upbeat and nice. Home and Gardens. Mom used to read those a lot. You'd be surprised how twisted they can get. Kiiiiinky. 

_Dr. Yaona:_ We'll... take that into consideration, Mr. Hitchcock. 

_Christopher:_ While you're at it, I want some shrimp. 

_Dr. Yaona:_ Again, into consideration. However, your chances of getting these will improve if you tell me more about Everworld... 

_Christopher:_ At least there, I wasn't deprived of sex. You people are cruel and inhuman. 

_Dr. Yaona:_ I'm sorry you feel that way. 

_Christopher:_ Sure ya do. I know I'm a sexy chocolate-chip stud muffin. You probably are starting to get those maternal instincts riiiiight about now, m'lady... 

_(long pause, abrupt growl)_

_Dr. Yaona:_ You do realize, I'm male? 

_(pause through three minute span)_

_Christopher:_ Dear god in heaven and hell, just HOW much did you pay for that?! 

_Dr. Yaona:_ I think this interview is finished, _Mr. Hitchcock_. I'll _kindly_ remind you to be on time for our next session. 

_Christopher:_ Hey, wait, what about my shrimp-- 

_Dr. Yaona:_ Thank you again for your cooperation. 

_Christopher:_ I have rights, too! I want to see Jalil, I need hot, _hot_ sweet love lovin' right now, or I'll call my law-- 

_(tape recorder shuts off; silence)_

_End of File_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

... I am so not responsible. I'm on medication! You *can't* blame me! I'm sick! ^^;; Really! 

... right then, I admit it. I wrote this with glee. I probably should up it to "R" soon, but where's the fun in that? (Besides, I hate how R fics never turn up automatically, ya hafta go through the picking "Rating: All" thing and all that evil junk.) It's so tiresome. 

Anyway! ^^ As for my other fics, you should get quite a few more uploads from me very soon. More of my David/Jalil fic... definatly more of my C/J "Absence of the Heart"... and a few more of my humorous stuff. 

Take care! Thanks, minna-san! ^___^ ::hugs:: 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


	4. Jalil Sherman Day One

_File: 219378921727--2763_  
_Subject: "Jalil Sherman"_

_(interview begins; tape starts)_

_(long silence)_

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ ... may I ask why my patient is wearing tight black leather pants, and a raver style shirt? 

_(sound of door opening; shuffling)_

_Attendant:_ 'orry, sir. But 'e's sufferin' from... from Leather Obsessive... something. I think, sir. 

_(nervous silence)_

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ And the handcuffs... are they necessary? 

_Attendant:_ Kept tryin' t'jump and fight wit' the guards, doct'r. Mighty sorry 'bout all o' this. 

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ Ah... 

_(muffled shout of outrage)_

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ ...and the gag? 

_Attendant:_ Ah... that. Tha's... well, sir... 'e's a bit... fiesty, 'e is. 

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ This is all fine and well, but I cannot interview my patient when he can't even speak. 

_Attendant:_ Well... erm... sir, 'e don't say nothin' import'nt anyway. Jus' "I 'ate you". 'E's not a very nice bloke. _(Damn sexy, though.)_

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ Just the same, I think I'll remove it. Thank you anyway. _(You wouldn't happen to be "Attendant" off of the play "Dracula", would you? Mighty fine white mouse, there.)_

_Attendant:_ As y'like, doct'r. _(Thanks, it's name was Cuthbert, I think.)_

_(closing of door; slight pause)_

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ Well, now, let's get this off, shall we, Jalil? Yes... 

_(short pause)_

_Jalil:_ --MOTHERF---ING BASTARDS FROM HELL, SATAN SPAWNED PERVERTS, I'LL KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU AND THEN RIP OFF YOUR DAMNED-- 

_(muffling)_

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ We _can_ have an interview with your gag, you know. You stay quiet and cooperate enough, I'll remove it again. Have we got a deal? 

_(short pause)_

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ Good, good. There you are. 

_Jalil:_ ... I hate you. 

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ That's nice. 

_(dark growl)_

_Jalil:_ I've been violated. They all keep leering through the door window of my room and making obscene references to wrists. Something about "delicate bone structure" and "not prime for bondage." What the hell kind of place _is_ this, damn it?! 

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ ... I'll see what I can do about the guards, Mr. Sherman. In the meantime, if I may continue with our session...? 

_Jalil:_ I'm _skinny_, not delicate! _Damn_ it! 

_(sound of scribbling on paper)_

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ Mm-hmm... _(Patient is very delicate. Both emotionally and physically.)_

_Jalil:_ So... so what do I have to do to get out of here? 

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ Basically, denounce your experiences in Everworld as a hallucination brought on by stress and premature memory deterioration. And then we'll give you pills and send you on your way. 

_Jalil:_ ... is that all? Okay, Everworld was never real. It was some sick, twisted game we all played. Um... Senna's idea, though, stupid crazy wench. 

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ You actually have to mean it, Mr. Sherman. 

_Jalil:_ Well, you never mentioned that. 

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ It goes without saying. Now, moving on to our session, I'd like to ask you a couple questions about this Everworld universe you claim exists... 

_(muttering)_

_Jalil:_ "Claim exists"... jesus. 

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ Let's see. We've gathered information from two of your companions, Mr. Levin and Mr. Hitchcock, so far. And as of now, the stories coincide fantastically-- although Mr. Hitchcock seemed a tad bit more oriented on sexual gratification in his tales... 

_Jalil:_ Sounds like Christopher, yeah. 

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ He claims you made out on Sir Galahad's kitchen table. 

_Jalil:_ ... okay, that was fun. If I had to do Everworld over again, I wouldn't take out that part. We scared the poor chef half to death when he came in-- 

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ So you were engaged in a serious relationship with Mr. Hitchcock during this time? 

_Jalil:_ Well, we weren't engaged yet, if that's what you mean. But serious enough. 

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ Has he ever harmed you? Gave you reason to believe he would leave you? Caused you stress? 

_Jalil:_ _Hell yes_ on the last one. 

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ Have you considered that perhaps your hallucinations of this world may have stemmed from a desire to be a part of something larger with him? 

_Jalil:_ Uh, no? Why would April and David go along with it, if we made it up to "get closer"? _(Plently close already, y'know.)_

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ It was possible. 

_Jalil:_ Nah. You just make a lousy psychologist. _(I know where you live, you freak of nature.)_

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ ... well, thank you for your estimate. However, I do have a degree. Now, to continue-- you claimed this world was created by gods and mythological creatures? 

_Jalil:_ Try calling a huge ogre a "mythological creature" when it's trying to chew you. 

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ Hm. I'll keep that in mind. 

_(loud sigh)_

_Jalil: Look._ There was a perfectly somewhat rational explanation for all of this. Somehow, it's all real, but there was also an explanation. We just... didn't have it. It was another world with different rules and stuff-- 

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ They were hallucinations, Mr. Sherman. We believe you and your friends may be suffering from-- 

_Jalil:_ Oh _no_, you don't. I am _not_ crazy. 

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ I never said that... 

_Jalil:_ Damn it, I'm _not_ crazy! Got it?! That head voice thing, the hands thing, it was all fanfare! To make me look cuter than I was! Damn it, I'm _not_ insane! 

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ Yes, well I'm putting you on some sedative medication until we can properly diagnose you. Your delicate condition-- 

_("thud" sound, scuffling and smacking ensues)_

_(yelling in background)_

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ ATTENDANT! Att-GACK! 

_Jalil:_ WHERE THE HELL DID YOU PUT MR. PRECIOUS?!?! 

_(door opens, more scuffling)_

_Attendent:_ There ya go, sir, 'e's jus' riled up... c'mon now, Jalil... this is why 'e 'ad 'andcuffs, sir... 

_(muffled yelling, door slams shut)_

_Dr. Vdemitri: ... well then. _

_(clears throat)_

_Dr. Vdemitri:_ I'm going to have bruises for a week... bloody bony elbows... 

_(tape abruptly cut off; session ends)_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

... well then! Hee hee. ^^;; I told ya it would be out. 

Anyway-- Absence of the Heart should be uploaded next... ::mumbling to self:: Gaaaah. I have so much to get done! Oh well. Thanks for the encouragement, guys. ::hugs!:: You're all the greatest! So patient with my lazy, procrastinating ways... heh... 

Next up-- April. And her psycho-sister-hatred thing. Ooohh, bunnies. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


End file.
